27 November 2008

Until divorce do us apart

Note- This was written in a light vein and not intended to cause offense to any parties whatsover. If any offence was caused, it is heartily regretted.

In the last week, I got to hear that two of our acquaintances(married to different people) are heading toward a divorce. In both cases, they have been married for less than a year. In both cases, the couple had been wildly excited about their marriages and the wedding ceremonies were quite elaborate. I am not on such terms with either parties that I would get to know the details as to what went wrong. However, even considering today's jet-setting lifestyle, contemplating divorce within a year seems... ummm.. superfast.

I had an interesting conversation with my aunt about this. She said that nowadays girls are not as adjusting as before and in most cases refuse to toe the line. They are too demanding of their privacy & independence; too proud of their salaries. Interestingly, my mother-in-law commented that the in-laws are a problem and the couple should move out of the family house to ensure marital harmony. Some said that it is up to the groom to breach the gap between his parents and his wife. Whenever this does not happen, its a disaster waiting to happen and most often results in the wife's walking out on her hubby. As usual, there are as many opinions as there are people.

On the other hand, there are many instances of divorcee men and women getting remarried. So much so, that some of my single friends have complained that their divorcee friends are back in the marriage market and hence the competition for them has increased! Not only is divorce more rampant than before; but re-marriages are on the rise too. No longer are people from failed relationships scared of burning their fingers again.

This new trend made my newly wedded brother comment one day - "How can they even think of getting married to another person? It is so tough, as it is, to get adjusted with one partner!" This is so true. Relationships, in general, are not easy. And a relationship with your life partner is made tougher by the fact that there is a constant pressure to make it work. Even though divorce is not an ugly word anymore, I know many who have suffered enormously. One friend actually commented that she would never wish divorce on an enemy also, as it takes away a lot from you. She is now happily remarried, but the scars are still there.

Divorce is not necessarily the end, however. Infact in many cases, it was the beginning of a new, improved chapter in life. I read somewhere recently that most marriages are still around, as the parties involved did not have the guts to take a divorce. It does not necessarily mean that they are happy. Some seek happiness outside their marriages, while some thrive on the martyrdom of sticking with their partners till the end. To each his own.


hosi said...

Very sensitive Topic, But with couple having Kids it is great difficult for them to think of a divorce, a lot runs into their mind when they think of sepration from Kids, so for kids sake I have seen people compromise on it. It takes a lot of mental toughness for them to actually get divorced.

Veena said...

Looks like you are a little free these days.. But very strong topics .. ! and good you brought it up ..! What is sad and frustrating is the way the younger generation( not too far away in age from you and me Neel ) thinks on the name of calling themselves liberated !! How easily they think and suggest divorce, second relationships.. !

One thing that I am proud of being an Indian is the culture support that we get . When there is a sense of structure in the society, the society gets the liberty of getting progressive as a community..

Wish you and I could coach them Neel ;)

Poonam J said...

Interesting read..i believe what confines within the four walls of marriage only the married know.All others are fence sitters.Its not about loosing patience and not towing the line.Its also about selfrespect and happiness within the marriage.To take a step outside the marriage still takes a lot of courage, what with the society breathing down your neck.To each his own.

Nilu said...

Hi Poonam,

Am glad you found my post an interesting read. I was only thinking aloud on the changing trend regarding the sanctity of marriage. I agree that when things go wrong between a couple, a third person can only be a fence sitter as he/she cannot really know what was going on between the couple. He/she can only know 1 version of it depending on who he/she is close to from the couple.

I myself am of the opinion that self-esteem and personal happiness should come before any societal norms and pressures. However, since I have had a happy marriage till now(8 yrs and counting), my opinion has not really been put to test.


Shruti said...

I have yet to come across a couple who have taken the step of divorce lightly, be they Indian or any other nationality. Far more often I have seen couples keep their marriages going long after they should have actually ended them. The result is the same except that 10 years and 3 kids later, there are so many more lives that are now impacted by the decision.

Most of the time I have seen this happen when the woman keeps the relationship going because she feels guilty about leaving. We are such emotional creatures, so invested in our relationships, natural caretakers of the family that divorce, even from an abusive and controlling husband, is pretty much the last step we will take.

I disagree completely with Veena in this respect because I think that the taboos and norms of our society play a huge role in sustaining abusive marriages. The incidence of domestic violence in India is huge, just hidden from sight, and the torture of staying in such a marriage day after day, year after year is not something any of us in reasonably happy marriage can even grasp.

Sorry, I kept going there. I had no idea that this subject would raise such passion in me.

VeeKay said...

A sensitive topic agreed, but the perspective from most of them who have commented here is one who are still in the relationship.

Ask a person who has been thru one such incidence in her/his life and you would get a different perspective. There is a lot that goes on between the couple who come to a decision going separate ways though it is not easy on both.

It is better to lead a separate life than a dysfunctional relationship and putting a pretense to the society everything is fine. As staying together in dysfunctional association is more dangerous, one cannot a lead life for the society, and have to see what is best for each of us

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