03 November 2008

Why do women get involved with married men?

Today I saw a documentary on TV about Parveen Babi - the legendary Bollywood actress. It mentioned that she had been involved with several married men during her lifetime. Many other actresses viz. Hema Malini, Smita Patil, Sridevi etc. too went the same way. It made me wonder what it is that draws single, successful women who can have anyone they want, go for married men?

Now, I've had a middle class upbringing where any such relationships are severely frowned upon. The women are tagged as flirts of the first-order and with them lies the sole responsbility of a home being wrecked. The cheating man usually gets away scot-free as men are polygamous by nature and only succumb to women who encourage them. In the meantime, the entire episode serves as succulent fodder for gossip for ages to come. I wanted to delve deeper than this simplistic and one-dimensional look at such behavior.

I came up with many so-called theories in my introspection. Women on the whole are emotional and vain creatures. They need constant reminder of their beauty and charms and above all they need to feel "needed". A married man has more or less figured this out and thus holds all the aces when wooing a single woman who is a sitting duck. On the other hand, maybe the single woman is a calculating you-know-what who is out to get that promotion or break in her career by pleasing her married boss. Or maybe her ego gets an adrenaline boost when she can successfully woo an already vanquished man. Or maybe they are both victims of their former broken relationships and seeking comfort in each other.

I've come to realise there's no straight-forward answer to this question. I might as well ask why women date blond men or why some men date younger women. There are as many motivations for individual relationships as there are relationships. While there may be some women who are motivated by a fear of commitment or a desire to prove themselves by taking what belongs to someone else or the thrill of sneaking around or whatever, I'm sure there are just as many who didn't know a man was married until they were already involved, who knew him in some other context and fell victim to his tales of how his wife didn't understand him, or who simply view married men no differently than they do single men, because we live in a culture that largely dismisses the significance of marriage. If one answer--especially one a couple of lines long--could provide a blanket explanation for the behavior of all of the millions of people who fit in a given category or participate in a certain action, the world would be a much simpler place than it is in real life.

The fact is, we humans are complex beings and one simple cut answer does not offer an adequate or fully encompassing response to the above question.


deeps said...

the differnce between the reel n real life isnt very vast ha?

well, ur last lines sum up ib the whole thing in style

Ruta Ahirkar said...

Going with your last sentence, i think human beings are complex but women are even more complex. They have a high EQ than men would or at least that’s what they portray.

People always remember their courtship period the most, they value and cherish it .I guess the main reason is that any relation takes a complete new meaning when you start living with each other. That’s where the problems begin. Every person has his/her way of living their life. When some stranger starts to intervene in that flow or even start modifying that flow is where problems start.

Married men know the hassles of this "Live in Partner" and an extra marital affair is the courtship part which is always rosy. It’s easy to be friends with someone who is not your husband or live-in partner as they are not going to come home to alter you way of life. You can have the fluffy courtship and the fancy romance you dreamt about always without any thorns that you experiences when your partner started living with you.

I guess if two people in an extra marital affair start living together they would probably end up with someone else eventually.

Also, individual nature is very tangible with this aspect of an Individual to look outside their relationship for things missing in their current relationship. Many people try to adjust with what they have due to social pressures while others don’t mind bending the rules.

I think communication is a great key to any relation. Partners need to communicate about their likes/dislikes and wants to each other. After a while in a relation many people start taking their once SO (Significant other) for granted and all channels of communication are closed. That’s when people start communicating with someone outside the relation.

A married man wouldn't mind flaunting half his salary on someone who he thinks would at least hear him out. Any woman loves it when a guy splashes out his money for her. Many women would disagree with this fact, but deep in their hearts they know they would definitely love it. The trap is set and it’s perfect. Both the sides get what they want. I am not at all portraying women as some money crazy people. But any single girl doesn’t mind a married guy who is ready to give her all the attention and some high priced gifts. Both of them very well know why they are getting into the so called complicated “extra marital” relation.

Even women get fed up with certain things after going through a relation, so an extra marital affair acts like a breather for them as well.

Personally i think if you can communicate with a stranger about your needs you can definitely communicate with your partner who has been there for you through your tough times. They were the ones with whom you once fell in love with and you knew you could share your life i.e. your thoughts, needs, wants, happiness and sorrows with them. It gets difficult as the response might dishearten most of the times. But i think renewing and re igniting an old flame is way better and more full filling and hassle free than starting anew. God gave us a gift- Gift of Speech. We just have forgotten how valuable it is. If we use all our senses in the right direction I think we can build all bridges we think we have burnt.

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