Gender equality - a mirage?

With International Women’s day around the corner, I wanted to pen something on the topic.

Saw the hindi movie – Good Newzz, today. Other than being desired, being a mother, is the second most coveted dream of almost every woman. The 'almost' is for the latter – I understand it is changing rapidly in recent times. The movie highlights the contemporary struggle with fertility issues for many couples – the endless visits to gynecologists, innumerable tests and treatments, countless pilgrimages, eternal questions and advice of elders and the repeatedly dashed hopes despite it all, not to mention the financial commitment. A married woman, who is not a mother, was not regarded well and did not get invited to certain events, until recently. It’s a very disturbing experience for the woman. Things are fast changing, though, especially with growing nuclear families.

The entire process puts tremendous pressure on the couple, especially the woman. The quest of motherhood is even more challenging than motherhood itself and often unacknowledged. About motherhood, a lot has been said so will refrain from my own emotions on the same. It brings so much transformation in the woman’s life and it takes almost 6-7 years for her to be able to focus on herself again. If the woman is working, it puts added stress on her.

A woman goes through so many stages and transformation throughout her life. From a carefree student, to responsible sibling, to wife, daughter-in-law and mother. The working woman has the additional hat of her career to carry. Some undocumented roles are cook, nutritionist, housekeeper, teacher, keeper of child’s and husband’s social calendar, event planner and sometimes fashion designer. God help the mother, if the child is a special child or requires special care and attention. One can have as much help as one can afford in terms of nanny, cook, etc. but it only helps to a limited extent. The decision making, and relationship building (with the help), still remains with the mother.

Most of the inspiring stories one hears about women who reached the top of their careers through sheer hard work, sleepless nights, many sacrifices, are stories of extraordinary resilience and grit. In the normal course, its simply not possible. And that is the “equality” that women seek. It should not require heroic effort or compromise; it should be an easy choice – like it is for the men. I am frankly not sure if it can ever be achieved seeing how nature designed the genders and considering the skewed balance between the burden placed by society on men and women.

When facts cannot be changed, it is better to adjust one’s mindset and expectations to maintain sanity. At least that is the way I’ve lived my life. Do only what is doable in terms of physical and emotional health, general competence and appetite for multi-tasking. Also, always be clear on what you want, instead of what others expect. Let that be your guiding north star. Then you will never go wrong. Ever noticed, when you travel by a cab, bus or in someone’s car, the first few minutes will tell you if you can trust the driver. If you do, you sleep well during the travel. Similarly, when your family, and your employer too, notice that you can handle multiple things well, eventually they do become your strongest allies in the pursuit of your dreams. But if they see you struggling, they will constantly ask you to give up something, course correct, to achieve balance. Their “judgement” may seem unfair, but they are trying to support in their own way.

What does “being” a woman mean? Oh, its no different than being a man. Both want to be able to lead their lives with free will, respect and pursue their dreams. Both are just wired differently for this and hence the gender “war”.

A child trains one by crying at various needs and one eventually learns to interpret them in context without the child ever uttering a word. Similarly, women need to train the people around them (especially spouses, colleagues, etc.) to listen to their needs and work with them to achieve their goals. This can be done without loud “feminism” too.

So, women, do live your lives to the fullest. Have fun, make memories, pamper yourselves during the rollercoaster ride. Do not get into the game of “becoming inspirations”. Just be yourself.